One of my friends told me the other day that she needed to lose some weight. “Look at this” she said, as she grabbed the skin on her stomach. “Ever since I had the baby, my belly is no longer flat. I hate it. I have to lose some weight.”
Ugh. So, this is what body image issues looks like post pregnancy. It’s become such a mainstream issue that I even talked about it on The Tyra Show with one absolutely beautiful yet devastated mother who was so embarrassed by her body after pregnancy, she wouldn’t allow her husband to see her without clothes on.
After submerging myself in the body image issues of teen girls, you would hope that somewhere along the lines, body image issues would grow up…fade away…disappear.
But they don’t. In fact, according to Claire Mysko, author of Does this Pregnancy Make Me Look Fat?;
We interviewed more than 400 women for our book; seventy-eight percent of them said that they worried about the body changes of pregnancy and motherhood. Unfortunately, those concerns are often intensified by all the “bump watch” and “lose the baby fat” messages in our culture. Instead of being encouraged to get support for body image issues, moms are expected to be waging war with their bellies, hips and thighs.
She’s right. We see it everywhere—not just fear of fat but a blatant refusal to accept the changes that come with age, experience, and yes…pregnancy. Jillian Michael’s of Biggest Loser fame recently told Women’s Health that getting pregnant was not in the cards for her—not because of fertility or health issues—but rather, because she doesn’t want to compromise her body.
“I’m going to adopt. I can’t handle doing that to my body,” she told the magazine. “Also, when you rescue something, it’s like rescuing a part of yourself.”
Now look. People can do whatever they want—and adoption is the best thing that ever happened to my family. Please don’t even get me started on this statement of “rescue” that Jillian makes since that would be an entirely different article. So let’s just keep on the track we are on—
It does indeed frustrate me, though, when celebrities with clout—celebrities that are public symbols of health and wellbeing, say things that can negatively affect the way the girls and women who look to them for inspiration feel about themselves. Of course, celebrities can make whatever choices that work for them– and celebrities are people too– and yes, they admit to having deep- rooted body image issues. But with statements like these, it’s no wonder that women hate their bodies after pregnancy and turn to surgery, diets, and other means to try to get back what they once had—post pregnancy bodies are simply not accepted as they are. One of my friends told me that her Aunt confronted her with a snarky look; “Isn’t it time to lost that pregnancy weight? You need to lose it before you can even think of having another. Otherwise you’ll never lose it.”
And then what? You’ll be considered ugly? Less of a person? Worthless?
Women have so many choices to make once they decide to have a baby. Will they stay home? Go back to work? Breastfeed? Bottle feed? Get help? Do it all themselves? Is it REALLY necessary to pile body image problems on top of all that? And let’s not forget what their AMAZING bodies just went through to have that baby in the first place.
As a new mom myself, I know that the reflection in the mirror can sometimes be jarring. But I’m also in awe of what my body has accomplished. I want to teach my daughter what it means to have healthy attitudes about food and weight–and I won’t be able to move forward with that important task if I’m fixated on getting my body back. –Claire Mysko
Claire is hitting on something very important here. The most frightening aspect of all of this is the cyclical nature of body image issues. If Mom has them, they are often easily and quickly handed down to their daughters like heirlooms that become part of the family’s legacy. In my book, Good Girls Don’t Get Fat (forthcoming, October 2010), countless girls reiterated criticisms that their mothers would repeat when they looked in the mirror. Now the girls say the same things to themselves.
As my colleague, Dara Chadwick, author of You’d Be So Pretty If…told me today;
We moms must be vigilant about the messages we send to our daughters because they’re always watching and listening to how we treat our own bodies. We are creating a body image blueprint for our girls every step of the way, so we moms need to stay conscious of the message we’re sending and make sure it’s an example we’d want our daughters to emulate.
Mothers are beautiful because they love their children but also because their bodies have just done amazing things. There bodies are not the same as they were but that doesn’t mean they are worse. To make a difference here, we need to start on ground level. Have a Mom? Know a Mom? Go tell her she’s more beautiful now than ever.
Happy Almost Mother’s Day!
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve noticed this mom-talk. I wouldn’t say this talk occurs more or less with amount of children each mother has but it’s something that I’ve noticed happening more and more often. Maybe it’s always been an ongoing topic of discussion with mothers and I just didn’t may much attention. (I’m sure that is the case, unfortunately). Sometimes I get tired of hearing about their dieting and how much more difficult weight is to take off after having the child…it just, makes me sad for them. Their bodies just did one of the most beautiful things imaginable, and they resent the bodies that did it for them. The body that nourished, attended to, and delivered the best miracle ever. I think womens’ bodies post-pregnancy are beautiful.
Bodies are meant to change with age; we aren’t meant to look like we’re twenty when we’re in our thirties, we not meant to look like we’re thirty when we’re forty and so on. I wish that women (myself included) could learn to realize that. Part of the circle of life is to age gracefully, and with that aging comes changes. The pressure that is put on women to be visually acceptable is sickening. The mother’s concern about herself then becomes mirrored by the mother’s daughter, and we have ourselves a cycle.
What a perfect reminder for moms (and dads) all over the world that parents are role models. We model for our children regardless of their gender, and expressed negative messages about weight gain relating to pregnancy, in my opinion, send an indirect message to a child that somehow they are to blame.
It seems to me that it would be helpful for women who are at war with their bodies from weight gain associated with a pregnancy to consider the alternative. Imagine how it would feel to learn you would never conceive? Somehow the prospect of being afforded the incredible privilege of carrying a child to term despite the necessary weight gain so that it may thrive would not seem like a curse.
excellect post, as always.
We are definitely in agreement that society puts far too much undue pressure on women to quickly regain their pre-pregnancy figures. Pregnancy brings with it so many new and beautiful experiences and it’s unfortunate that the media tends to emphasize the cosmetic issues rather than the life-enriching changes. It is possible to have a positive body image and still wonder how your body might look during or after pregnancy, but if you find yourself mostly occupied by these thoughts and fears about weight gain or other body changes, it’s important to address them. If having children is something you are considering or if it is a possibility at any point in the future, developing a foundation of body acceptance before you go through the emotional and physical changes of pregnancy and motherhood is ideal.
How true, @CEDSheppPratt, to say that you can have a positive body image and still wonder about your body. Positive body image doesn’t mean you need to be cut off from your body or consistently be yelling, “yay me!” Being preoccupied, as so many are, or so focused on their bodies that they can’t enjoy the present, is certainly the problem.
@Elin– We do indeed need to be careful with the messages we send our children. Not only do we say, “this is because of you” but also, when you have your own children, this will be your heartache as well. We must break the cycle.
@Lindsey, We need to revamp our concept of beautiful through the aging process. If beauty only means young and thin, we have a major problem. But we need to start with us. If we can look in the mirror and say it convincingly, if we can say it to our friends and family with conviction, maybe, just maybe, we can start the ripple effect. Who knows where it can lead.
so how exactly are we supposed to look at our post pregnancy bodies and think “wow look at this saggy skin of stretch marks on my belly. And these dimpled thighs and butt and what about these not so firm breasts. Aren’t they HOT”. I love what amazing THINGS my body has done like make 3 healthy, beautiful babies but I don’t love or even like what its had to go through and the after effect. I HATE my body and can so relate to the mom on the tyra show that didn’t let her husband see her nude. I’m the same way. My husband can’t see me nude in bright light. So for most women its not gonna happen that we’re going to accept or learn to like our post pregnancy bodies. Ill never look in the mirror and think anything looks good in what’s looking back at me! Ever!
Yes. Post pegnacy boddies are ugly, but not the people inside them. What makes a body ugly is how that person carries it. I felt like a missing flaot in some paraide after my C-Section but I learned to care for my body and embrace it. Even its new fold, lines, slight saggyness, and jiggles.
There is no way to love the look of your body after you’ve pushed, or had a bady pulled out of you, but the human body has a way of repairing itself. I might not be always what you expect, but its never impossible to work with.
-Melinda