I’ve been receiving several questions about Dads lately—especially in the context of divorce, and how important it is for mothers to encourage their girls to retain a relationship with their Dads. Even when there is animosity and frustration between parents, a strong relationship between Dads and Daughters is vital. Here I talk about why it’s so important that fathers remain a prominent part of their daughters’ lives:
Loss of a relationship with fathers can lead to many problems including an increase in risky behaviors, eating disorders, and other negative outcomes. Given that the Powerful Word of the Month is Dependability, it’s time for both mothers and fathers to step up during divorce, and give their daughters the best possible opportunity to bond with both parents.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Glad you linked to Joe Kelly the ORIGINAL ‘Dads & Daughters’ authority on the importance of male influences in the lives of girls, who I personally admire and particularly like his inclusiveness of ALL kinds of connectivity w/dads (stepdads, ‘live away’ dads, traveling/absent/overseas/military dads, etc.)
The one area I haven’t seen much research on ‘father hunger’ is the never HAD a dad scenario. In other words, sperm donor dads and/or 21st century go it alone moms that have chosen to parent single-family households, albeit surrounded by other male influences, but not a ‘father figure’ per se. I’d love to hear more about that…if you know of any research in that realm. (I know the moms have to go through extensive counseling, etc.)
Also totally agree with you on the crucial need to keep co-parenting issues separate from ex or partner related ones, and one of the sites I’ve been wanting to cover that does this REALLY well is Deesha’s “CoParenting101.com” which she runs with her ex-husband! (she’s since been remarried)
Deesha & Michael exemplify the vast potential for positive co-parenting (vs. divorce drama) and reiterate the need for adults to act in the best interest of the child, with simple tips and how-tos that remind us all that they couples will always be co-parents forevermore and ‘adversarial’ stereotypes are not always warranted. Here’s their ‘10 commandments’ of co-parenting…required reading for anyone married or an ex for that matter!
http://j.mp/2RvUu1
Thanks to Amy to pointing me to this very important post (and for her kind words!).
I go as far as to say that my daughters’ relationship with their dad is sacred, and I make that the standard and the guide for *my* interactions with him when we find ourselves needing to tweak our custody schedule in response to the girls’ changing needs. And I echo wholeheartedly what Amy said about keeping the past relationships issues separate from the kid issues. It’s not always easy to do–but our kids are worth the effort!
Thank you, Deesha and Amy.
Two great comments. Amy– I’ll have to let you know what I found. Yes, very interesting. I do remember reading/hearing about the struggle some girls go through when the father is a sperm donor– some struggle with identity. I’ll get back to you.
Deesha- What interesting work you do. I’ll likely be including your site in m y book as a resource now that I know about it! I like what you said in yor commandments about communication as well as:
Observe appropriate boundaries. When it comes to your kids, it’s sometimes difficult to tell yourself what they’re doing with the other parent “is none of my business.” But if an activity won’t harm them physically or psychologically, it probably is none of your business. Recognize it’s okay, maybe even good, for children to learn different ways of doing things. It’s almost certain that the other parent won’t do everything your way.
Very important lessons. Do you know the work of Christina McGhee and Divorce and Children? http://www.DivorceandChildren.com She does wonderful work as well. A friend of mine from our coaching program–
Talk soon!
Dr. Robyn
Thank you for pointing me in Christina McGhee’s direction, and for your kind words!
I wish I could take credit for those wonderful commandments, but the credit belongs to Lynn Nelson, Public Education Director, Institute on Race and Poverty, University of Minnesota, published in Minnesota Parent, May 1995
Best,
~Deesha
I could not agree more with your video. I have read “Father Hunger” and totally agree the great impact of the absence of a father. As my parents divorced shortly, six weeks exactly, as I was born. I have suffered for 24 years with an eating disorder (ana) and over achiever. I can trace all my root fears to the feeling of abandonment from my father. I did not meet him until I was 30 years old but by this time I was so stuck in the web of the eating disorder and ended up at Remuda Ranch shortly after meeting him. The lose I feel from not having a father in my life is so deep and the longing is something I have had to deal with realizing it will not ever happen. The impact and consequences not knowing my father and having him in my life completely shaped who I thought I was and shaped who I became…fearful, lacking in self confidence and feelings of never being good enough.
So I encourage anyone who goes through a divorce as a advocate for the child, make it a priority to keep a strong relationship with your children’s father. They need him. He will impact their lives. The hunger I have for a father/daughter relationship will never happen but I long for it for my girls who have a great relationship with their dad. I know first hand the importance of their bond with their father. I am not selfish enough to ever keep them from him. I am grateful to still be married after 17 years and grateful my girls have their father every single day. It fills my heart with great joy to see them run to him when he comes home, welcoming him and wanting him in their lives. It fills that void I once had for my own father.