The Top 10 Dos and Don’ts of Talking to Teens about Sex

Yesterday, I was on NBC’s LXtv, discussing teens and sex.  While this is often a touchy subject for parents to broach as it can be mixed with embarrassment, controversy, and confusion, it’s vital that parents are talking to their children about sex rather than allowing their kids to be schooled by their friends or the media.

What do parents need to know about talking to their kids about sex?

(1) Talk about it earlier than you might want: Research tells us that early sex may be related to increased delinquency later on. The link? Risky behavior. Just as you talk to your young teens about drugs and alcohol, talk to them about sex. Discussions about the body, the differences between boys and girls, and being proud and respectful of oneself, can start way before any discussion of sex is even broached.  Making it “normal” to talk about things related to the body, will make it easier for everyone to talk about sex when it feels like the right time.

(2) Don’t assume: Don’t assume that because they haven’t talked to you about it, or you haven’t talked to them about it, they’re not doing it.  About ¼ of girls and boys have had sex by age 15. Some research shows that children as young as 12 are engaging in sexual activity.

(3) Look out for cues: Ever hear, “All my friends are doing it?” What your teen may be trying to tell you is, “I’m thinking about having sex,” “I’m concerned about sex,” or “I’ve already had sex” and they want to discuss it. Children and teens may feel uncomfortable being blunt but still may hope you “catch on” to what they are trying to ask or tell you.

(4) Listen! Don’t cut the conversation off with “You’re too young to have sex.” While this may be your view, saying this off the bat can stifle the conversation and make it so your teen won’t want to talk to you– not just now– but in the future as well.  Ask questions, listen, and put the lecture and blanket statements to rest for a little while.

Don’t shut them out by telling them they’re too young to have sex, talk about sex, or think about sex. You will be missing a very important opportunity that can have great repercussions.

(5) Tell them your values: Be clear and honest about your views and expectations.  Make sure that you tell your teens how you feel about them having sex and what you would like them to do or not do if they are thinking about it. If you don’t tell them what you expect, they won’t know.  While many parents think that their children are not listening to them, often, they are.

(6) Let them know it’s OK to wait: There’s a lot of pressure out there to have sex. Pressure from peers—pressure from boyfriends/girlfriends, indirect pressure through the media, etc. It may look like everyone’s doing it—you need to tell them, it’s just not true.

(7) Talk about the What if? Discuss the contingency plan—just because you don’t want them to have sex, doesn’t mean they’re abiding by what you say. I know this is a tough reality that many parents don’t want to face. Again, be clear about your expectations and values, BUT if they’re going to have sex, what do you want them to know? Discuss how to be safe, how to draw boundaries, STDs, and legal issues or age of consent. Let them know you are available anytime, day or night, if things get out of hand.

(8) Talk again and again: Be patient and know that you’ll have to have many of these conversations! Just because you talk about it once, doesn’t mean you’re done. Most teens need time to think about things.  Questions come up over time—and repeated conversations underscore your views, the open communication and environment you’d like to provide, and multiple opportunities for discussion that teens often need when it comes to difficult topics.

(9) Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know, but I’ll find out.” You don’t need to know all the answers. Look up the answers—or look them up together. Conversations can continue the next day or even a few days later when you do some research and find out the answer that puts your child’s confusion or question to rest.

(10) Be age-appropriate: When children ask questions, make sure you answer their question but don’t over-share. Keep it simple and allow the children to guide the conversation. Often, they just want to know the basics or even if they should be “in the know” when it comes to a specific term or issue. Other times, depending on your child’s temperament, curiosity level, exposure, or personality, s/he will need additional information.  Give them the age appropriate information they need—if you don’t, and they really want to know, they will get it from someone else!

Also, don’t be afraid to turn to some information from the web or some great age-appropriate books. There are some wonderful resources out there!

So go ahead..let’s talk about it. Wouldn’t you, or someone you trust, rather be the one who was giving your kids accurate information about these tough topics, instead of leaving it to someone else who may give inaccurate or dangerous information?

Think that because your teens aren’t talking to you about sex that they aren’t doing it? Research tells us that 1/4 of teens have sex by age 15, and some are having it as young as age 12.  While many parents are hoping that their teen is in the percentage of teens who aren’t “doing it,” it’s time for everyone to talk about it.  Let’s do it.  Let’s talk about sex.

In this clip, my colleague and good friend, Cooper Lawrence and I talk to host, Jane Hanson of NBC’s LXtv, about teens and sex…and what parents should do to open up this all important conversation.

I’m frustrated. Am I the only one? My child is only 1 years old and I’m already worried about her education. Our education system is looking more dismal.  We see the problems—we may even see some solutions—but we aren’t connecting the dots with actual support and change.

“School reform today is like a freight train, and I’m out on the tracks saying, ‘You’re going the wrong way!’” DIANE RAVITCH, education historian and a former assistant secretary of education.

In a landmark nationwide survey by Scholastic and the Bill/Melissa Gates Foundation, of 40,000 American teachers, teachers expressed that they did not feel students were prepared to be successful after high school.  Teachers were also concerned about the lack of support for these students.  In fact, 38% of teachers polled said that the lack of support from family members and friend is the single most likely reason students will not be prepared for a two or four year college.

The teachers identified 5 ways to address the challenges facing schools:

(1) Establishing clearer, tougher, academic standards that are common among all 50 states

74% of teachers say that clearer standards would make a strong or very strong impact on student achievement

(2) Using multiple measures to assess student performance

Ninety-two percent of teachers say ongoing in-classroom assessment is either very important or absolutely essential in measuring student performance

(3) Using innovation and creativity to reach today’s students

More than 90% of teachers say that differentiated assignments are absolutely essential for improving student achievement and engaging students in learning

(4) Creating a partnership and a bridge between school and home to raise student achievement.

Eight in 10 high school teachers (81%) attend after-school and weekend events of their students, and more than half (51%) of elementary school teachers are willing to have parent-teacher conferences at students’ homes

(5) Providing supportive leadership to teachers

When asked about teacher retention, nearly all teachers say that non-monetary rewards like supportive leadership and collaborative working environments are the most important factors to retaining good teachers

Teachers are right. They aren’t getting the support they need. So I would add to these 5 ways—the need to recognize great teachers for going above and beyond.

In a recent study called “The Widget Effect,” many teachers reveal that they feel interchangeable—the good teachers aren’t getting the benefits, compensation and praise they deserve and the less successful teachers are being lumped right on in with the successful ones.  The result? Our children suffer. Fewer good teachers stay. Fewer new teachers come into the trade. Less creativity is used—because, why bother? In a teacher’s eyes, nobody’s going to notice anyway. Mediocrity becomes inevitable.  Or even less than that. Passing.

“Unfortunately, it seems the field doesn’t have a clear view of what characterizes good teaching,” — Bill Gates, New York Times, On Building a Better Teacher

Is that really what we want for our kids? What is the answer????

What do you think the state of American schools is at this time? Are you happy with your children’s school situation or not?  Please feel free to comment here or go to my Facebook Fan page and comment there!

Anger Management Quotes:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned” (Buddha)

“Two things a man should never be angry at: what he can help, and what he cannot help.” (Thomas Fuller)

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” (Chinese Proverb)

“Anger blows out the lamp of the mind,” (Robert G. Ingersoll)

“Anyone can get angry but so few can express it and address it with character.” — Dr. Robyn Silveman

Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right
degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way… that is not easy.
–Aristotle

The greatest remedy for anger is delay. –Seneca

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. –Will Rogers

No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched. –George Jean Nathan

]]> http://www.drrobynsilverman.com/parenting-tips/dr-robyn-silverman-introduces-the-march-powerful-word-anger-management/feed/ 1 http://www.drrobynsilverman.com/parenting-tips/ask-dr-robyn-is-my-child-overscheduled/ http://www.drrobynsilverman.com/parenting-tips/ask-dr-robyn-is-my-child-overscheduled/#comments Thu, 25 Feb 2010 03:20:56 +0000 DrRobyn http://www.drrobynsilverman.com/?p=2501

“Can you provide your thoughts on the trend we have been seeing with parents over scheduling their children, with an activity sometimes every night of the week. Is there a general agreement with child development specialists as to what is an appropriate number of activities by age?”

I get this question about children and over-scheduling quite often.  As children are all different, there is no easy, single answer to this question. Parents need to be sensitive to their own child and stay vigilant. Asking these questions can help:

(1) Does my child seem stressed?
(2) What does my child really WANT to do?
(3) If s/he takes on this activity, what must s/he give up? What will s/he gain? What is the goal?
(4) Is my child able to complete tasks required of him/her or that I find important (i.e. homework, chores, family time, religious training, etc)?
(5) Is my child able to do what s/he needs to do to stay healthy (i.e. play, sleep, relax, connect)?
(6) Before my child goes to this activity, how does s/he seem emotionally and physically?
(7) During this activity, is my child engaged, excited, focused or distracted, tired, or stressed?
(8) After my child goes to this activity, how does s/he seem emotionally and physically?
(9) When I ask my child if s/he feels s/he has enough time to do the things s/he wants to do and needs to do, what does s/he say?
(10) Does each activity fulfill him/her or empty him/her?

It’s not a competition. Remember, your children are supposed to enjoy their time in these activities.  They are supposed to learn something. If enjoyment and learning are being compromised by undue stress and exhaustion, these activities are more counterproductive than beneficial.

Some teens feel that they must be perfect at everything.  Perfect grades. Perfect clothes. Perfect body.  Perfectionism puts an enormous strain on a teen’s everyday life. Here’s the most recent clip of Dr. Robyn Silverman appearing as an Expert on The Tyra Show dealing with perfectionism and teens who are constantly striving to be perfect.

In this clip, you’ll get to experience Dr. Robyn coaching a teen struggling with perfectionism.

There it is. A Marshmallow.  Big, white, mushy, sweet yumminess staring your child right in the face– saying “eat me!”  Could your child resist if he knew he’d get two if he waited out the challenge? Would he eat it before the researcher even left the room?

Waiting…is hard.

The Marshmallow Test has been known as a classic way to test self control, patience and delayed gratification.  Think about it; If someone gave you one of your favorite treats and told you that you must continue to stare at it but not eat it for a preset amount of time– and if you succeed, you can have two of these treats– could you do it? Think of your favorite treat. How could you keep from indulging yourself? What distraction methods might you use?

Think it’s just about marshmallows? The Marshmallow Test given during childhood has been shown to predict patience and delayed gratification later on in life.

The initial goal of the experiment was to identify the mental processes that allowed some people to delay gratification while others simply surrendered.

According to Walter Mischel, a Stanford professor of psychology in charge of the famous “marshmallow experiment” which tested children’s ability to delay gratification, told the New Yorker just last year, “If you can deal with hot emotions, then you can study for the S.A.T. instead of watching television and you can save more money for retirement. It’s not just about marshmallows” (New Yorker, May 2009). He’s saying that as a child, if you can stay in control of yourself despite getting hot under the collar, then you will be more prepared as an adult to deal with challenges that come your way.

Once Mischel began analyzing the results, he noticed that low delayers, the children who rang the bell quickly, seemed more likely to have behavioral problems, both in school and at home. They got lower S.A.T. scores. They struggled in stressful situations, often had trouble paying attention, and found it difficult to maintain friendships. The child who could wait fifteen minutes had an S.A.T. score that was, on average, two hundred and ten points higher than that of the kid who could wait only thirty seconds.

“Young kids are pure id,” Mischel says. “They start off unable to wait for anything—whatever they want they need. But then, as I watched my own kids, I marveled at how they gradually learned how to delay and how that made so many other things possible.”

You are what you watch.

UCLA School of Public Health released a study this month providing additional details to the link between television viewing and childhood obesity. It demonstrates that the link is not all about the amount of TV watched, but rather, the number of junkfood commercials witnessed by the viewer over time.

Who? Researchers Frederick J. Zimmerman and Janice F Bell of UCLA School of Public Health

Participants: Primary Caregivers of over 3500 children between the ages of 0 and 12 years.

What did they do? Kept a journal of their children’s activities, including TV viewing, throughout the week as well as the format of that media delivery– regular TV programs, DVDs/Videos, educational or entertainment. The study started in 1997 and a follow up was conducted in 2002. The analysis controlled for physical activity, gender, age, race/ethnicity, mother’s BMI, education and sleep time to assure that the results were due to the TV watching rather than these other factors.

What interesting things did they find?

1. Commercial viewing was significantly associated with higher BMI. The effect was stronger for children younger than 7 than those who were older than 7 years of age.
2. Non-commercial watching, such as watching DVDs or watching educational programming was not associated with childhood obesity.
3. The association between TV viewing an childhood obesity is directly related to our children’s exposure to food-related commercials that advertise unhealthy options for children.

So what?

The big “so whats” are these:

1. By the time a kid is 5 years old, they’ve seen more than 4,000 TV commercials annually that advertise food.
2. On Saturday mornings, during your kid’s cartoon watching, they see an average of 1 food commercial EVERY 5 MINUTES.
3. Of those commercials, MOST– up to 95%– are for unhealthy foods that have poor nutritional value, namely, salty foods, sugary foods, fast foods, soda and other high-sugar drinks. Advertisers use a variety of tactics to entice children into desiring and consuming those foods– specifically “packaged” for boys and girls. Commercialism challenges children’s self control.

Conclusion: The researchers conclude that there really is an easy switch for the avid TV watcher.  If your children are going to watch TV, have them watch high-quality educational TV without all those commercials that push unhealthy eating and unhealthy foods. You will likely be saving them from a host of health problems.

One thing Dr. Robyn wished they revealed: The link between these unhealthy toxic commercials and the actual health of the children rather than simply the weight correlation. I would wonder how the effects are playing out in blood sugar levels, blood pressure, etc. My guess is that the issue is far worse than it sounds here– obesity is only one possible link– what about the naturally thin kids who are watching all those toxic commercials? Surely they are suffering in health as well.  We must send the message that these commercials aren’t good for anyone and can poison our children’s overall health, not just their weight.

Trying to kick your smoking habit? Have an older teen/young adult who needs to quit? Let smokers eat cake! Well, that’s what the studies show. Our self control (our Powerful Word of the Month) can only go so far.

This may be the reason so many struggle with restrictive New Year’s Resolutions. It turns out, if you tried to take on too many restrictive things at once, you are probably struggling right now with those New Year’s Resolutions. So researchers say…if you’re going to quit smoking, you may want to indulge in a little chocolate cake– or something else that is tempting to you.

UC San Francisco researchers Dikla Shmueli and Judith Prochaska have found that self control certainly has its limits. It turns out, it’s not a good idea to try to change too many things at once when dealing with temptations.

The Study, part 1: 101 smokers participated in a study on food temptation. They were told that the researchers were interested in whether or not participants could resist certain foods– from raw radishes to fresh baked goods. Each participant was put in a room alone and told not to eat the food in front of them.  They were also told, to test the full power of self control and temptation, to really think about that food, to stare at it, and to smell it every 15 seconds. Then, the participant was given a 10 minute break.

The Study, part 2: The participants were given a Smokerlyzer test to verify if the participant smoked during the break.

The results: Participants who had to endure the self control challenge of resisting yummy desserts were more likely to smoke during the break (53%) than those smokers who had to resist the less appetizing radishes (34%).

The Possible Explanations:

(1) Craving is a craving: Not giving into one might make you more attracted to another.

(2) Stress triggers craving: Resisting temptation may be stressful and therefore make a smoker more likely to need to to smoke.

(3) Self control has limits: When your self control is challenged, it can exhaust your willpower. Willpower in a weakened state can make you more likely to succumb to temptation (Roy Baumeister’s theory on the limits of self-control)

Conclusions: Try to quit one bad habit at a time. If you are trying to curb one of your temptations or make a challenging change in your life, save your self control for what really matters most. (And remember, self control is contagious– so be aware of the behaviors of the people you’re hanging around with too.) When working with kids on healthy eating and quitting sugar, transfat and salt overload, it may not be the time to curb their texting habit. If you’re trying to quit smoking, it’s not the time to quit all indulgences. And really, there are times when we should treat ourselves anyway to a brownie or piece of cake!

Bottom Line: You can’t quit smoking and not eat your cake too.

You are who you hang out with– or perhaps we should say, you do what you see.

So…want great self control? Hang around with other people who have great self control. A recent study out of the University of Georgia and Duke University suggests that self control or lack of self control, is contagious.

We see it with kids– they’re more hyper around the kids who are hyper and more relaxed around the kids who are relaxed. We see it with teens– they’re more inclined to smoke or drink around peers who do the same. They’re also more likely to say no to such things when they have friends who do the same.

There are a lot of perks to this news– if you are trying to curb some unhealthy habits like binging on high sodium, high sugar fast foods or, perhaps, like smoking, drinking, cheating, stealing, or lying, hanging around with others who have strong self control is the way to go.  By the same token, if you choose to hang around those who have poor self control, you will likely have to suffer the consequences as well.

This study– or series of studies– caught my eye for a few reasons. First, our Powerful Word of the Month is “Self Control.” With all the children, teens, and adults focusing on self control this month, it’s important to know how best to increase one’s self control and also how one might threaten it.

Second, with all the talk on fat talk (and studies as well), it follows that hanging around with others who fat talk will decrease your self control around the behavior– leading you to do more of it. The trouble I find, besides the obvious when it comes to fat talk, is that the actual “dieting” and restrictive eating also tend to be contagious. So we must watch extreme self control as well.

Third, I want to warn, this is not a set up for projection.  We can’t blame our lack of self control on others. After all, YOU choose who you hang out with and YOU ultimately choose your behaviors.

“This isn’t an excuse for blaming other people for our failures. Yes, I’m getting nudged, but it’s not like my friend is taking the cookie and feeding it to me; the decision is ultimately mine. ” (Lead author, Michelle vanDellen)

Finally, I was thinking about an issue that was explored on the Today Show this morning during my morning workout at Planet Fitness. They were talking about salt and how Americans are getting way too much of it.  In fact, while we are supposed to be getting about a teaspoon of salt per day, we’re actually getting, on average, one and a half that dosage.  Why was I thinking about self control? The doctor was talking about how the problem didn’t lie in the use of the salt shaker, but rather, in the fast food that so many Americans eat.  The danger of the statement is, that many will hear that the issue is not in their control– thus self control is not an issue.   This is the wrong message.  We must curb the fast food, yes, but we also must curb the addition of salt to all our favorite foods. We must stay in control of our diets– and not allow restaurants to determine the outcome of our heart health.

What do we learn from all of this?  We really do what we see.  We are who we hang around with.  You want to make changes in your self control? Take control of what– and who– is around you.