Recently, I sat down to talk with the CBS Early Show about Helicopter Parenting, what it is and how Helicopter Parenting can be detrimental to our developing children and teens.
Give us the definition of a ‘helicopter parent’?
A helicopter parent is a parent who “hovers” over their child, rarely out of reach, always ready to swoop in at a moment’s notice if they detect any possible harm, discomfort, or challenge that might befall their child. (even if the lessons would help their child learn, grow, or eventually, succeed).
Is helicopter parenting more commonly found in a certain age group (ie. college kids vs pre-school kids)?
We see the most parent involvement at the younger ages but don’t tend to call it helicopter parenting because it’s natural to be protective of a preschool or kindergarten age child. As the children age, it becomes less acceptable to do things for them. That’s when we see the term really apply. It becomes more problematic as the children age. We see helicopter parents become more involved and obvious:
- during times of transition—back to school, new school, new sport– when anxiety is high,
- when children are leaving or going further away from their parents (camp, college, school trip),
- when children are around new people (new peers, new teachers),
- when children are trying new things (first time on bus, train, plane, in baseball, football, etc)
Helicopter parenting is often thought of as a negative thing…what kind of negative impacts can it have for you and your child?? How far is too far when it comes to hovering?
(1) Undermining children’s confidence: No one can argue that confidence is one of the most important predictors of success. It is the foundation of self reliance and lays the groundwork for commitment, perseverance, goal achievement, and courage. When parents take the reins, they do not allow their children to learn how to take charge of their own lives. The repercussions can be long lasting.
(2) Instilling fear of failure: If a child is learning that success is always dependant on the help of Mommy and Daddy, he can become fearful that failure is imminent if he tries to go it alone. Clearly no parent wants to see their child fail. However, if a child is continually shielded from disappointment and inadequacy, he is being denied the chance to learn how to persevere, try again, and survive the challenges that life provides.
(3) Stunting growth and development: Since helicopter parents are essentially “babying” their children, it is not surprising that kids of smothering mothers can be less mature than their self reliant counterparts. Studies have shown that these children lack some of the knowledge to negotiate what they need, to critically think, to solve their own problems, stay safe, and interact in close quarters with others. Their ability to be accountable and responsible for their own actions is challenged since their parents are always ready to step in and save the day.
Is Helicopter Parenting always a bad thing? As a parent isn’t it our job to be overprotective? Can hovering ever have a positive impact on our child?
We all want—and should—keep our children safe. That is one of the jobs of being a parent. So no, its not always a bad thing—especially when we get that gut feeling that something isn’t quite right. Children need to know that their parents are there for them when they are needed and will never willingly put them in harm’s way. That’s how we build trust. There is a line though between being protective and being OVER protective- one implies being there when the children need you and the other implies being there when the parent wants to be there to fill their own need or void.
Tune in tomorrow for the next installment of the interview on Helicopter Parents where we talk about the warning signs of Helicopter Parenting and some steps to clip your own wings.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I am definitly beyond a helicopter parent, I need professional help, where can I find help for this because I cant do it on my own?
Hi Unique,
I would chat about this with your doctor and see what s/he recommends in your area. Good luck!
Hi, I’m a mom of a pre-schooler/Kindergardener, I read the info on Helicopter parenting and I concerned that I had done this in moderation in the past and now I see many of the reprercussions mentioned above. Lack of confidence, fear new things and tring things on her own. I have pulled back in the past 1-2 years to try to allow to her experience things on her own and allow her to grow up. However when I pulled back it seems to have made all the insecurities worse, I feel she thinks I don’t care. I try to make her deal with things and except that she will not get everything she wants, nor be the best at everything she tries for the first time and incourage her to keep tying her best. Is there a way to reverse the effects of Helicopter parenting for the first 3 yrs of her life so she can have a fun and productive childhood. I feel her fears causes her to miss out on a lot of childhood experiences. Does she need to speak to someone or do I go and get advise on how to guide her in the correct way instead, or both?
Don’t jump to blame yourself Robyn cos it may not all be to do with your parenting .Some kids are just born more sensitive than others and find new experiences harder no matter what you do and actually if you wthdraw all support i have found this often makes their anxiety and fear worse. Such kids need gentle encouragement and achieving their independence broken down into achievable steps. Have a look at Elaine Aaron’s excellent book “Highly sensitive children”. As a teacher i am aware that “helicoptering” exists and can be an issue but as a mother of two very different teenage daughters i can see that the way they react to the same life experiences varies with personality. I find my more fearful daughter exasperating at times but when she achieves various independent milestones it is extra rewarding!