As we discussed in yesterday’s blog entry, I recently sat down to talk with the CBS Early Show anchors about Helicopter Parenting. Here I discuss some key warning signs that a parent might too overprotective and what parents should do about it.
There are some key warning signs/behaviors that parents should be aware of – that would give them a head’s up that they might be too protective?
(1) You do your child’s work for them: Whether it’s their school work—writing papers, college essays, regular homework, their social work—calling up, emailing, texting their friends, their peer’s parents to book get-togethers or repair friendships, their responsibility work—doing their chores for them, contacting their teachers, their coaches, their colleges, or their employers for them—when we do our children’s work for them, they, quite simply, aren’t learning.
(2) You’re language and behavior reflects it: They use the term “we” for a lot of upcoming events for their child. “We” have a piano recital “we” have to practice for, “We are testing for our next belt in martial arts” etc. And, as the event gets closer, they get more and more involved in the planning and execution of the activity.
(3) You keep them from doing normal kid-related activities: Helicopter parents might not allow their children to go on playdates, go on sleep overs, participate in school trips, go out for sports, because they are too afraid that their children could get hurt or badly influenced when out of sight.
(4) You micro-manage: Helicopter parents know where their children are going, what they’re going to do, who they’re going to see, and when they’re going to do it. They organize, dot “I”s and cross “t”s . They take control so their children don’t need to learn time management, organization, or critical thinking.
Tips on how we can tame our hovering ways without giving up all protective control:
(1) Take advantage of disappointment: If a child has suffered a recent letdown (bad grade, not making the team), instead of rushing in to fix it, help your children build powerful parts of their character like resiliency, goal-setting and optimism. Empathize with your children and help them move on by asking what they can do next, what they can work to do better, and what went well.
(2) Be a “conflict coach” rather than the problem-solver: Instead of telling your child how to fix the problem, ask questions, listen, and draw the solution out of the child. Teach them how to think critically, weigh pros and cons, and brainstorm. While this clearly takes longer than just giving the child the answer, speed is not as important as developed function. After all, we can all plug numbers into a calculator, but does that really help us learn how to solve math equations?
(3) Let go a little at a time: Parents have built up this need to be protective over a period of time. Letting go is hard. You don’t need to quit cold turkey! So, together with your child, choose 1 or 2 things that your child can work on doing on his or her own this month. Over time, he will be doing more and more on his own.
(4) Teach organizational and time management skills: Help your child learn how to use a calendar and plan out his or her time. What are their priorities? What are their jobs? What has to get done, where and when? When they have their own schedule, they won’t need to rely on you to tell them where to be, what to bring, and when to be there.
(5) Stop swooping in: The impulse is to rescue. However, sometimes our children have to fail in order to learn how to succeed. If they don’t do their science project, let them realize the consequences without you swooping in to do it for them. Better to teach them early when stakes are low then to wait for them to learn the lesson in their 20s or 30s.
Let’s tame those smothering ways!
