Parents need to reserve the right to check up on their children, especially their young teens, since technology is new and so is adolescence. It may not seem fair– and it may seem extreme– but I have no doubt they have your best interest in mind. Talk to them. See if you can come to a compromise so that you know how to earn their trust without feeling that they are breaking that trust. There will need to be some give and take. In the mean time, talk to your friends and let them know that you love texting with them but certain kinds of texts aren’t acceptable in your family. You do have the power to say no to your friends about that– and then you won’t have to be embarrassed about what your parents see. With technology, a good rule to go by is, if I don’t want my parents to see it, I shouldn’t be a part of it.

No one doubts that you are a smart girl. Show your parents over and over that you are trustworthy (find out what would help them to know this) and you will see that they will give you more freedom. Trust is always earned even if, in some families, it’s harder to earn than others!

Thanks for writing in.

Dr. Robyn

Back in 2004, I was graduating from high school and ready to attend a college that I really respected and was looking forward to going to. Even though I had a full scholarship, my dad said no way: he wanted me to stay at home and attend the community college so that he could look after me at home, even if it meant he had to pay. For the record – my mom had said that she felt that I should be able to go to college, but by that time I was fed up. Since tuition wouldn’t be an issue, I packed my bags, and left across state lines in the middle of the night with my best friend, carrying a few hundred dollars in my pocket – and leaving a note on my dad’s desk. For the next three years, I studied hard, and worked two jobs in order to save money for the future; I would work during the summer as well, sometimes working three jobs at once, seven days a week. After two and a half years, I saved up enough money to buy a used car and pay the insurance on it. I still drive the car today.

I had been getting along quite well for myself, and did a good job of ignoring my dad’s persistent phone calls. Of course, there were the times when he had driven 500 miles to “just happen to be in the neighborhood” – but that is a story in and of itself.

In 2007, my mom passed away, so I decided to move back for a year in order to help out with the family business. Apparently, my dad hadn’t learned anything in the intervening three years, or his frequent visits to my campus, so I was back at square one. It was an absurd list of rules to follow: No leaving the house without permission (not even to go down the street), no meeting with friends without permission, “lights out” at 9PM, even on weekends, no watching TV without permission, and so on. There was also the stating the obvious and the advice that I didn’t really need (for example: “Don’t forget to put on your socks before you put on your shoes!” “Remember to brush your teeth!” “Eat your vegetables!”) Any attempt to question this on my part was actually considered “immature” and “rebellious,” despite the fact that I had functioned fine for three years without any help. I felt as if I was being treated like a child. If my dad was unhappy with how I was acting, he would refuse to pay me that week as if he were “taking away my allowance,” even though I would often use the money I had saved to help with upkeep. He didn’t charge me rent, so I suppose that technically, it was “his house, his rules,” but he was certainly taking advantage of the situation.

Eventually, after a year, I moved out again to complete my degree. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to return to my old college, and had to attend a “lower-ranked” college locally. I live mostly on my own now, and prefer it that way. I suppose parents often don’t change and would always like to see their children as they were when they were younger, but sometimes it goes to far. Some people would do good to realize that they have to stand up for themselves even if it means they might have to bend the rules a little.

I’m sorry for ranting, but that’s my story.

People say I don’t act my age and that I am immature. I am a good student who has never gotten into trouble. if I am immauture it is only becuase I was never taught the social skills needed to act my own age.

The one story that I have heard in the many articles that I’ve written about this now, is about a girl who felt that by individuating from her family, that her parents relayed she would be rejecting them. This is a limiting proposition. As children become adults, the relationship needs to change and grow. We need to allow it.

Dr. Robyn

It’s a very popular and frustrating issue!

Dr. Robyn