7 Parenting Tips to Help Your Daughter Deal with Mean Girl Drama, Bullying and Relational Aggression
Brianna, age 14, got in touch with me a few weeks back—right at the end of the school year.
“I’ve never been so excited for a year to be over in my whole entire life.”
“What makes you say that?”
“The girls suck. They’re horrible.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that. What are they doing that is so horrible?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? I’m not following you.”
“They do nothing. I am nothing. They ignore me.”
Ah. The shut out. The silent treatment at its worst. Nothing makes us feel more worthless than…nothing. No acknowledgment whatsoever.
Status can be secured by “mean girls” is a variety of ways. They might gossip, tell treasured secrets, name-call, boss around, roll their eyes, and a host of other relational-aggression based behaviors that send girls reeling, crying, and ruminating about what they have done. But as Brianna underscored, one of the worst methods of devaluing someone else, is not seeing them at all.
“They’re the cool, pretty girls. They’re all skinny and have the best clothes and everyone thinks they’re so perfect.”
“Do you?”
(Pause) “I guess.”
Yes, amazingly, even though these girls can freeze people out in such a cruel way, they are still wholeheartedly admired. I talk about this in my forthcoming book, Good Girls Don’t Get Fat ,due out October 1st from Harlequin Press.
So what are parents to do? How can they help their girls keep things in perspective when the drama at school can seem so out of control?
(1) Expose your daughter to various groups of friends: It can be challenging to “just make new friends” in school. However, by exposing your daughter to a variety of different friendship groups, she doesn’t put all her eggs in one basket. For example, have your daughter join a martial arts or gymnastics school that pulls students from several towns. Encourage her to join a theater group or art class where she can interact with other girls in a fun way. She will be doing an activity with others who have a mutual interest and who are likely not involved with the drama happening at her school. Not to mention, when she feels “unseen” or that she has “no friends” you can point out the amazing friends she has in other activities that she does which can make her feel, well, not so alone.
(2) Enforce a curfew for technology: School culture can feel all-encompassing— like there’s no way to get away from it. It’s a 24-7, in-your-face messaging system that allows bullying and relational aggression to continue well into the night. An offensive text, IM, of FaceBook wall post at 1am can lead to an all-night cyber-match that can be destructive to sleep, health, self esteem, and psyche. She can be incensed and yet feel helpless to do anything about it. By turning off access at a specific time, your daughter can have much needed time away from the drama. I’m not saying she’ll like it– I’m saying she could really use the break.
(3) Involve the family in community work: Whether charity, citizenship, or volunteering, when girls get involved in helping others, it can boost their confidence and sense of self. It underscores their value. It can also help to put things into perspective. When girls feel frustrated that other girls have the best clothes, the best phones, and the best bodies, being exposed to those who have much less than them can hit the point home about what’s really important.
(4) Listen without getting wound up: Our girls need us to listen. They may want advice, but they may just want a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board. Anyway you slice it; they need a person who listens to what they have to say without judgment. Of course, that’s easier said than done. We are human, after all. We have reactions- especially when our daughters are being treated unfairly. It’s important to listen without reflecting back the frustration, anger, or sadness she feels. You should express concern and love—but getting as heated as she is– or running in and taking over for her– will not help her realize and follow through with her own solution to the problem.
(5) Ask what she wants to do: As parents, we are quick to tell our daughters what they should do. Take a breath and ask her how she wants to proceed. Does she want any help? She may want you as a supporting role– or she may want to go it alone. If she isn’t sure what she wants, ask her if she’d like to brainstorm some ideas or if she’d feel more comfortable talking to someone else. While it might be difficult to lead your daughter to a family friend, Aunt, or teacher, it might just be the best help you can give her. Remain open and leave your ego out of it.
(6) Validate her feelings: When teaching girls emotional intelligence and the understanding and acceptance of their feelings, it’s important to recognize that your daughter’s feelings are legitimate. Help her to name the feelings and where they’re coming from. Refrain from telling her she’s silly for feelings what she feels. School can be a tough place for a teenager, and while it might seem trivial or ridiculous to you, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Again, this doesn’t mean getting caught up in the drama, but rather, saying, “It sounds like that really hurt you and I can see how upset you are. I’m so sorry you’re going through that right now.”
(7) Model positive relationships with women: There’s so much drama on TV that we have to step up as women to show girls what real, healthy, relationships look like. Think out loud when you’re having a problem with another women. Discuss what you admire about a friend or a sister. Point out the inner qualities and assets of others, including your daughter, that you admire and appreciate. Make sure she knows just how proud you are of her and others in your life. By showing your daughter how girls and women can interact in positive ways with one another, you give her the gift of a template for success as she braves middle and high school.
So, as we get ready for the back-to-school season, aside from putting new notebooks and pens on the list, make sure that healthy relationships are part of the discussion. Breathe and be calm. Listen and be there. You too, can get through this!
We’d love to hear what YOU have to say on this topic and how your daughters handle the drama in school. What’s your advice for them? What tip really speaks to you? What do you think is the biggest mistake a parent can make with regard to these issues? Join us on my FaceBook fan page for a discussion or let’s talk about it right here. I’ll be thrilled to hear from you!
Note: Some of my favorite books on the topic?
Rachel Simmons: Odd Girl Out and Curse of the Good Girl
Rosalind Wiseman: Queen Bees and Wanna Bes.
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As a high school teacher for 20 years, I have been overwhelmed at times with the social dynamics among the girls, and its only gotten more intense with constant social media, and the step-up in the importance of appearance in our media-driven culture. The worst is when girls internalize the negative feedback from the “popular” cliques, and it turns into self-destructive behavior. I look forward to your book!
Thanks so much for your perspective, Elizabeth. As a high school teacher, we really need to hear from you! I agree– there has certainly been a step up in technology and appearance-focus (and these are tied in tightly with one another). There is something so intense and so constant that its hard for any girls to get away from it. It’s vital that we expose our girls to many different types of people– both potential friends and role models– so that they can see in live evidence, that girls come in different shapes and sizes and the most important thing is to be true to who you are. It’s a lifelong lesson that many of us are still learning. Believe me, when I interviewed girls for the book, so many of them turned to the destructive behavior that you mention, feeling that if they don’t, they’ll never measure up. They are, of course, chasing a mirage.
I’ll let everyone know when the book is available! I believe they are starting sales on September 27th and its officially “out” on October 1. It has some very eye-opening information in there. I’m so excited for the conversations we can all have when it hits the stores!
As you know, I think media has been complicit in seeding some of this toxicity by simplifying the relational aggression into stereotypes and flat/non-3D characterization making it to easy to dismiss into ‘mean girl meets her comeupins’ :30/:60 sitcom & dramedy timeslots as some sort of tepid, ‘oh, it’s ok, because the mean girl gets it in the end.” Meh. Not workin’ for me w/that kind of simplistic morality msg couched in hyper-focused subtext of mean girl-isms.
These are Impt. reminders, Robyn…I’ll add that ‘what you see is not always what you get’ parental caveat, since kid culture has its own pecking order and stealth mode, so that ‘appearance based’ cues are not always handily or readily self-evident in terms of bullied/bullying.
Time and again I’ve had teens tell me about “mean girls’ who are NOT, and ‘nice girls’ who ARE mean…which to me only reinforces that we need to ditch the labels, archetypes, and reputation mgmt by observation early on, and ‘get real’ by acknowledging the complexities in character dev online & off, in-media and IRL.
–Amy
@ShapingYouth
Oh yes, Amy. I’m hearing you. And let’s not forget that what’s “mean” to you might be “nice” to me, such that it may not be a blanket person but rather a clash of temperament, etc.
When I saw Rachel Simmons speak at a high school nearby, she had said that so many of us who were bullied were also bullies at some time. In other words, girls these days are typically not on only one side of relational aggression. Right. I remember when I was younger and was bullied mercilessly by one ring leader and a group of followers. Now, this was certainly not right nor am I going to blame myself– but I will own up to the fact that I tended to tell secrets and this landed me in a whole mess of trouble. What I’m saying is, it’s often not one-sided.
That being said, there are plenty of girls who are on the horrible side of relational aggression who DO need help, support and reinforcement. TV supports a very ugly way of relating to one another. Girls need real life role models who show them how relationships can really be– they need more than one peer group– they need to explore all their assets. And we know for sure, that this needs a great deal more discussion in school– not just at home.
I love your tips. They are so reachable and user-friendly….and so needed.
Unfortunately, the relational bullying is rearing its ugly head at earlier and earlier ages. What used to start in middle school is now appearing in elementary school. What gets me, is how sophisticated some of the bullying and exclusionary tactics are at those young ages.
It is heartbreaking that it happens everywhere…even in sleepy little towns…like where I live. Here you can leave your car running while you run in to grab a few groceries and you’ll know everyone you pass by on the streets. Kids are safe from some of the dangers that lurk in bigger cities…save for one…bullying. When a 12-year-old completes a suicide due to bullying, we call it bullycide. I call it unnecessary and preventable.
Starting to deal with the bullying problem once it is well underway is too late. We need to become proactive as a society and develop social-emotional skills in our children literally from birth. Then we continue to educate children in an intentional manner throughout their school years. This could be done in as little as 15 minutes a day. Bullies rarely operate without someone being aware of it. When our kids are educated in how to respond and get help when needed, they are empowered.
Is this a lofty goal? Maybe. Is it possible? I believe it is!
Wendy @Kidlutions
I absolutely love this article. It lays out such sound advice and advice that is not often shared. The listening part is so key. I even know as an adult how important it is to have someone listen without judgment. That alone can help a girl feel “seen.”
What also struck me is that this girl told someone about it. Recognizing that most kids don’t talk about it — 86% of kids who have been harassed online don’t tell an adult — I feel that as adults we have to figure out a way of reaching girls (and boys) and help them lift this burden.
I’m putting together a post on why kids don’t tell. I feel if we can drill down far enough and sort that out, perhaps we can get creative on how to reach out more effectively. When kids don’t tell anyone and try to handle it completely on their own, it often escalates beyond their emotional abilities.
I’d be honored if you could contribute to that discussion. http://tangledball.blogpsot.com. You can also contact me on Facebook at Tangled Ball.
Thanks again for such helpful information.
Dr. Robyn, this is a great bit of advice. My teenager daughter has dealt with so-called “Mean Girls” most of her life because I raised her to be an individual. She often goes against the flow, and stands out. I have always told her that the girls are mean because they feel threatened by her individuality. This doesn’t always act as a comfort, but she’s still being herself after all these years, and that’s a huge relief.
I’ve also worked really hard to teach her that being a “Mean Girl” is not acceptable by helping her relate to how she feels when others are mean to her. She’s so sensitive and empathetic, she’s less-likely to indulge in bullying and teasing, which makes me happy.
Great article! I enjoyed it.