The Top 10 Dos and Don’ts of Talking to Teens about Sex
Yesterday, I was on NBC’s LXtv, discussing teens and sex. While this is often a touchy subject for parents to broach as it can be mixed with embarrassment, controversy, and confusion, it’s vital that parents are talking to their children about sex rather than allowing their kids to be schooled by their friends or the media.
What do parents need to know about talking to their kids about sex?
(1) Talk about it earlier than you might want: Research tells us that early sex may be related to increased delinquency later on. The link? Risky behavior. Just as you talk to your young teens about drugs and alcohol, talk to them about sex. Discussions about the body, the differences between boys and girls, and being proud and respectful of oneself, can start way before any discussion of sex is even broached. Making it “normal” to talk about things related to the body, will make it easier for everyone to talk about sex when it feels like the right time.
(2) Don’t assume: Don’t assume that because they haven’t talked to you about it, or you haven’t talked to them about it, they’re not doing it. About ¼ of girls and boys have had sex by age 15. Some research shows that children as young as 12 are engaging in sexual activity.
(3) Look out for cues: Ever hear, “All my friends are doing it?” What your teen may be trying to tell you is, “I’m thinking about having sex,” “I’m concerned about sex,” or “I’ve already had sex” and they want to discuss it. Children and teens may feel uncomfortable being blunt but still may hope you “catch on” to what they are trying to ask or tell you.
(4) Listen! Don’t cut the conversation off with “You’re too young to have sex.” While this may be your view, saying this off the bat can stifle the conversation and make it so your teen won’t want to talk to you– not just now– but in the future as well. Ask questions, listen, and put the lecture and blanket statements to rest for a little while.
Don’t shut them out by telling them they’re too young to have sex, talk about sex, or think about sex. You will be missing a very important opportunity that can have great repercussions.
(5) Tell them your values: Be clear and honest about your views and expectations. Make sure that you tell your teens how you feel about them having sex and what you would like them to do or not do if they are thinking about it. If you don’t tell them what you expect, they won’t know. While many parents think that their children are not listening to them, often, they are.
(6) Let them know it’s OK to wait: There’s a lot of pressure out there to have sex. Pressure from peers—pressure from boyfriends/girlfriends, indirect pressure through the media, etc. It may look like everyone’s doing it—you need to tell them, it’s just not true.
(7) Talk about the What if? Discuss the contingency plan—just because you don’t want them to have sex, doesn’t mean they’re abiding by what you say. I know this is a tough reality that many parents don’t want to face. Again, be clear about your expectations and values, BUT if they’re going to have sex, what do you want them to know? Discuss how to be safe, how to draw boundaries, STDs, and legal issues or age of consent. Let them know you are available anytime, day or night, if things get out of hand.
(8) Talk again and again: Be patient and know that you’ll have to have many of these conversations! Just because you talk about it once, doesn’t mean you’re done. Most teens need time to think about things. Questions come up over time—and repeated conversations underscore your views, the open communication and environment you’d like to provide, and multiple opportunities for discussion that teens often need when it comes to difficult topics.
(9) Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know, but I’ll find out.” You don’t need to know all the answers. Look up the answers—or look them up together. Conversations can continue the next day or even a few days later when you do some research and find out the answer that puts your child’s confusion or question to rest.
(10) Be age-appropriate: When children ask questions, make sure you answer their question but don’t over-share. Keep it simple and allow the children to guide the conversation. Often, they just want to know the basics or even if they should be “in the know” when it comes to a specific term or issue. Other times, depending on your child’s temperament, curiosity level, exposure, or personality, s/he will need additional information. Give them the age appropriate information they need—if you don’t, and they really want to know, they will get it from someone else!
Also, don’t be afraid to turn to some information from the web or some great age-appropriate books. There are some wonderful resources out there!
So go ahead..let’s talk about it. Wouldn’t you, or someone you trust, rather be the one who was giving your kids accurate information about these tough topics, instead of leaving it to someone else who may give inaccurate or dangerous information?
